From Confrontation (or Avoidance) to Exploration

It was music to my ears when a Sales Consultant in a Communication Skills Seminar blurted: “I’m confronting you on that!”

Confront. Challenge. Disagree. Argue.

Adopting “fight” approaches like these reflects attitudes that are adversarial, win-lose, right-wrong, one-up-one-down. They reflect the intention to win, to be right, to make others wrong – to which people will most often react defensively – digging in their heels and defending their position. Their mind completely closes to other points of view – which adds up to destructive and stressful communication, and the deterioration of relationships.

Withdraw. Avoid. Hide.

Adopting “flight” approaches like these reflect attitudes such as lack of confidence, unwillingness to deal with reactions people imagine they’ll get from the other person, not wanting to deal with conflict and anticipated (unwanted) consequences. Again cutting off the opportunity to face and understand the real issues – also detrimental to relationships.

Let’s consider alternative, more constructive approaches:

Ask, enquire, consider, discuss, explore.

These approaches reflect attitudes of enquiry, curiosity, open-mindedness and willingness to understand. They reflect an intention to learn, to see things from other points of view – to which people will most often react positively. When you make the effort to see things from another persons’ perspective, you gather more information about that person and the situation. On top of that, when others feel heard, understood and valued, they’re more likely to loosen up, relax, and be willing to consider your perspective too – which creates more calm, constructive, and meaningful communications that build relationships.

When you change your attitude from closed to open, from defending your position or running away, to being curious about the positions of others – your energy and your words automatically change from tense defensiveness/avoidance to relaxed curiosity.

Relationships can take years to build, and only seconds to destroy.

When you’re communicating with partners, children, colleagues and clients:

• Are your words destructive or constructive? Are they forcing people apart, or bringing people together?

• Is it your intention to win? To prove you’re right and others are wrong? To avoid the issue and hope it goes away? Or is it your intention to understand others, their experiences, their points of view, where they’re coming from? And in the process create the opportunity for them to consider yours?

Next time you’re about to confront, challenge, disagree, argue ... next time you’re about to withdraw, avoid, hide ...

Stop. Take a deep breath. Open your mind to the other persons’ point of view.

Ask, enquire, consider, discuss, explore your way to greater understanding of the person and the situation. Even if it takes a little longer in the short-term, you’ll be gathering useful information, and nurturing the relationship – which will save you a lot of time and anxiety in the long-term.

To his credit, the participant who originally set out to “confront” had the final word:

“I just realized I ask questions with the intention of manipulating people to MY point of view. I need to practice asking questions with the intention of understanding THEIR point of view.”

• Where can you use this skill to benefit your professional life?
  
• Where can you use this skill to benefit your personal life?